This piece is brilliant, and I can't get this sentence out of my head: "Benevolence is the cowardly brother to outright hostility." The more we tiptoe around the real problem of men being incapable of facilitating their own emotional intelligence, the longer the problem with continue, and grow worse. Thank you for your outspoken support of human rights for all humans and congratulations on the new book deal.
I found myself recommending your book ( I guess I should say your first book...) to one of my clients this morning, after listening to her talk about her boyfriend/business partner who seems to be outsourcing his personal growth work to her.
This is so important and it feels validating to read from someone so knowledgeable on the issue - it feels as though if we want to talk about the rise of male isolationism and loneliness we mustn’t speak of male violence towards women. But we can and in fact HAVE to speak about both, possibly even in the same breath!
This is so good. I wrote a poem called boys will be boys and a man got offended and told me I think all men are bad and that I am harming my son with my dangerous beliefs and that my son will grow up to be an abuser because of me. 🤯
“Daring to point out what is going on is not the problem, *what is going on* is the problem.” hit the nail right on the head.
Excellent article! There seems to be a perennial call for women to soften their edges for the comfort of those who benefit from our silence.
It’s not our tone that’s the problem, it’s that we dare to speak at all. The real ‘modulation’ happening here is patriarchal control dressed up as civility. And it’s gross🤮
I’ve written about some of the ongoing issues that you outlined; the assault on women’s autonomy and bodies, the “crisis” of men who won’t date politically aware or “woke” women. Recently published a piece on the insane far right propaganda spewed by the likes of Charlie Kirk stating that married mothers are the happiest demographic in America when multiple studies have shown that actually unmarried, child free women have the highest levels of happiness.
In agreement of everything you have said here. I look forward to your book!
THIS IS BRILLIANT AND I LOVE EVERY WORD YOU WRITE. Thank you. Pulling back the curtains on OZ when nobody else seems to be willing to (misogyny and male protectionism having a banner moment the last few decades). Whatever that book's content, I'ma get it, and it definitely deserves to be on Viking. I hope if you haven't already, even if it's non-fic, this gets you your Orange Penguin spine in the end.
I appreciate your work and your words. I too think patriarchal thinking/structures are bad as well for boys and men, but it’s always such a sensitive/tough conversation.
Women Hate. You on the clock. You down to minutes for months. She coming for your neck. I know how deep she about to cut. She gonna find allllllllllllllll ya little secret hiding spots.
Thank you for doing this work! As a mother to two young men who, like me, find the notion that young men are being left behind by women’s progress absurd, I appreciate you researching and writing about this topic. I’ve heard too many people suggest that women need to say and do less, play small, and basically shrink our intellects and voices to avoid alienating men. Your point about how that approach denies them the opportunity to grow is excellent. Men need to meet women where we’re at rather than women continuing to adapt to their wants and needs.
If I were to add anything to it then I'd say that we collectively need to have a conversation about how we view sex and the serious consequences than can come from being overly licentious when it comes to seeking physical pleasure. Not a Puritan or anything, but we're far too promiscuous as a culture and it's led to problems such as the one under discussion. Personal responsibility on both sides, men and women, seems to have taken a second seat versus pleasure seeking for its own sake. If we could change that mindset then a lot of these problems might go away naturally over time.
I think this is surprising… emotional labor… curious. That’s often what I’ve complained about being responsible for in my relationships in the past… along with everything else… and uh… well, I’m not typical man but… very “masculine”, as they say. Not of the toxic variety but one of the real. Which is balanced with my feminine. And people don’t seem to like that if it doesn’t fit into their beliefs… but, that’s fine. I don’t mind being disruptive… but curious… emotional labor… because isn’t that what I’m doing too? And are we not of service to one another? Is it social construct or psychosocial biology? To what extent it’s the latter… might be worth thinking about… because if it is… and if we’re not working with that but against it… and if psychology is biology then… we’re in a mess… and these things are a mask in any way… everyone else’s additional issues, both developmental and experiential… then… we’re up shit’s creek without a paddle…
I’d be happy to look at it then, and thank you for taking the time. I think underneath all of this… anyone with any reason is looking for the same thing… we might not know what to call it but… something…
And by this I mean… anything we get caught up in… looking for answers and that sort of thing. No this in particular… the Royal, this… if you will… lol. Ty for your time.
This is goddamn excellent
Thank you!!
I could not say it better
Same. This piece is top-notch and a necessary read.
If anyone is interested in my post about gendered language, please read and share, thank you 🙏
https://open.substack.com/pub/unlearnthenonsense/p/a-series-of-gendered-terms?r=1u7s3k&utm_medium=ios
Very good post, I subscribed. (Free)
Thank you, Elizabeth! That means a lot.
This piece is brilliant, and I can't get this sentence out of my head: "Benevolence is the cowardly brother to outright hostility." The more we tiptoe around the real problem of men being incapable of facilitating their own emotional intelligence, the longer the problem with continue, and grow worse. Thank you for your outspoken support of human rights for all humans and congratulations on the new book deal.
Thank you so much, Diann.
I found myself recommending your book ( I guess I should say your first book...) to one of my clients this morning, after listening to her talk about her boyfriend/business partner who seems to be outsourcing his personal growth work to her.
This is so important and it feels validating to read from someone so knowledgeable on the issue - it feels as though if we want to talk about the rise of male isolationism and loneliness we mustn’t speak of male violence towards women. But we can and in fact HAVE to speak about both, possibly even in the same breath!
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for reading :)! And yes -- healing can only happen if we face the pain across the board..
This is so good. I wrote a poem called boys will be boys and a man got offended and told me I think all men are bad and that I am harming my son with my dangerous beliefs and that my son will grow up to be an abuser because of me. 🤯
“Daring to point out what is going on is not the problem, *what is going on* is the problem.” hit the nail right on the head.
Fantastic post. 🩵
I hate that these experiences are so common. Let's pierce through the bs together :)
Yes! Me too. Together is the only way forward. 🩵
Excellent article! There seems to be a perennial call for women to soften their edges for the comfort of those who benefit from our silence.
It’s not our tone that’s the problem, it’s that we dare to speak at all. The real ‘modulation’ happening here is patriarchal control dressed up as civility. And it’s gross🤮
I’ve written about some of the ongoing issues that you outlined; the assault on women’s autonomy and bodies, the “crisis” of men who won’t date politically aware or “woke” women. Recently published a piece on the insane far right propaganda spewed by the likes of Charlie Kirk stating that married mothers are the happiest demographic in America when multiple studies have shown that actually unmarried, child free women have the highest levels of happiness.
In agreement of everything you have said here. I look forward to your book!
Thanks for this, Elise. And thank you for your own writing. I love your work!
THIS IS BRILLIANT AND I LOVE EVERY WORD YOU WRITE. Thank you. Pulling back the curtains on OZ when nobody else seems to be willing to (misogyny and male protectionism having a banner moment the last few decades). Whatever that book's content, I'ma get it, and it definitely deserves to be on Viking. I hope if you haven't already, even if it's non-fic, this gets you your Orange Penguin spine in the end.
Thanks Emil. This means a lot.
Thank you for writing it.
I appreciate your work and your words. I too think patriarchal thinking/structures are bad as well for boys and men, but it’s always such a sensitive/tough conversation.
This article is thought provoking and exactly what needs to be talked about. I look forward to the book.
I recently addressed similar topics regarding dating here: https://open.substack.com/pub/amywritesandpaints/p/what-the-dick-is-wrong-with-men?r=12885x&utm_medium=ios
thanks for sharing! Excited to dig in.
I truly enjoyed this read. I'm also from Northeast Mississippi. I ran away a long time ago. 🖖🏾
Thanks PQ :)
Women Hate. You on the clock. You down to minutes for months. She coming for your neck. I know how deep she about to cut. She gonna find allllllllllllllll ya little secret hiding spots.
Thanks for the vote of confidence that I will find misogyny everywhere it hides, Andrew. It's good to have you on the team. :)
The truth that many people are unwilling to acknowledge.
Thank you for doing this work! As a mother to two young men who, like me, find the notion that young men are being left behind by women’s progress absurd, I appreciate you researching and writing about this topic. I’ve heard too many people suggest that women need to say and do less, play small, and basically shrink our intellects and voices to avoid alienating men. Your point about how that approach denies them the opportunity to grow is excellent. Men need to meet women where we’re at rather than women continuing to adapt to their wants and needs.
Thank you for sharing this. It is so appreciated.
If I were to add anything to it then I'd say that we collectively need to have a conversation about how we view sex and the serious consequences than can come from being overly licentious when it comes to seeking physical pleasure. Not a Puritan or anything, but we're far too promiscuous as a culture and it's led to problems such as the one under discussion. Personal responsibility on both sides, men and women, seems to have taken a second seat versus pleasure seeking for its own sake. If we could change that mindset then a lot of these problems might go away naturally over time.
I think this is surprising… emotional labor… curious. That’s often what I’ve complained about being responsible for in my relationships in the past… along with everything else… and uh… well, I’m not typical man but… very “masculine”, as they say. Not of the toxic variety but one of the real. Which is balanced with my feminine. And people don’t seem to like that if it doesn’t fit into their beliefs… but, that’s fine. I don’t mind being disruptive… but curious… emotional labor… because isn’t that what I’m doing too? And are we not of service to one another? Is it social construct or psychosocial biology? To what extent it’s the latter… might be worth thinking about… because if it is… and if we’re not working with that but against it… and if psychology is biology then… we’re in a mess… and these things are a mask in any way… everyone else’s additional issues, both developmental and experiential… then… we’re up shit’s creek without a paddle…
Emotional labor isn’t inherently gendered. My first book covers this extensively. And if you read it, I would be happy to hear your thoughts.
I’d be happy to look at it then, and thank you for taking the time. I think underneath all of this… anyone with any reason is looking for the same thing… we might not know what to call it but… something…
And by this I mean… anything we get caught up in… looking for answers and that sort of thing. No this in particular… the Royal, this… if you will… lol. Ty for your time.
No shit. It’s just deflection